Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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