I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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