My sheets look like a crime scene.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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