i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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