I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
