Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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