I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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