you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize