By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
