i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm too high and old for this...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
