I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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