New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
