i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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