There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
