atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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