Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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