Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize