My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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