I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
