My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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