Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
