someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
