Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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