The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
