I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
