Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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