i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
