Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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