dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
