don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
