my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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