I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
