i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
we're making bets on your personal life
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
