mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
