just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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