I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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