K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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