i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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