You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
