Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
