we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
