my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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