Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
