whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
