i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
