Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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