can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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