I CAN MOONWALK!
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
