i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
