dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
