It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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