I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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