I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
