Got a toothbrush?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize