Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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