I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Randomize
