the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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