EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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