I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
