Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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