my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
