Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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