I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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